Livre d'Or

Swiped this from sovay. Set of not-annoying questions about Queer &c identities and opinions.

Sexuality Most of sovay's answer works for me too. I have called myself bi for as long as I've called myself anything. I am queer (sometimes capitalized, sometimes not). I'm more attracted to people as people than to particular configurations of bodies.

The thing about bi is that it's a large and legible identity, it doesn't require much explanation for relatively ignorant straight people, and for other people under the rainbow umbrella, it links me with a community that has a clear identity. Queer possibly even more so, I like the 'don't put me in a box' nature of the term.

I'm happy to be described as pan, too, but not where it's used in a biphobic way (eg 'bi people are attracted to exactly two genders'). With modern highly specific terms I'm pansexual and panromantic, with some sexual preference for men and some romantic preference for women and gender-interesting people. Though certainly neither of those is exclusive. Another term I use is 'sapiosexual'; intelligence is a very important aspect of attraction for me, but the term does have some unfortunate connotations. And my attraction is physical, embodied attraction, not only a connection to minds. I don't call myself 'demisexual' but I have some common feeling with people who identify that way; I'm attracted almost exclusively to people I like and have an ongoing connection with.

Pronouns I was assigned female, she/her is most people's obvious first guess and it's fine for me. I like neopronouns (zie/hir and Swedish hen as in the icon) a lot better than singular they. For myself, not for others, I must be clear on this. I don't in principle object to he/him but realistically I never get read as male. And while this does work for some people, for me personally I find it annoying when people switch pronouns depending on my outfit. If you want to call me 'he', fine. If you call me 'he' when I'm wearing trousers or a square jacket, but 'she' when I'm wearing a dress or skirt, that feels off to me.

Gender Cis woman, if I have to. But I'd really rather I didn't have to.

Relationship status In a committed poly relationship. That is one relationship with four people in it; all of us may, and some of us do, have other partners as well. I'm married to, and live with, one of the people in that relationship: jack, who is male. So I do have some tendency to pass or be invisible because plenty of people see "straight" married woman, even after I've corrected that assumption.

Celebrity crush Not really, I am unlikely to be attracted to people I've only seen in media and never had a conversation with. There are some celebs I enjoy looking at but it's not strong enough to be called a crush.

Crushes I don't generally have a lot of crushes on people. When I occasionally do it can often be essentially permanent; there's a friend I met at a wedding in 2008 whom I still have very yearning feelings towards. So kind of a crush, but also one that has lasted longer than all my significant relationships, which probably means that 'crush' is the wrong word, but I don't know what else I'd call it. I think I maybe have a bit of a crush on a Dreamwidth friend as of the past couple of years, but we're unlikely to ever be in the same continent so I can't really tell if it's a crush or a squish or just as lot of liking.

Best Friend When we were planning our wedding, jack commented that I have about a dozen people who are as the other half of my soul. I don't like the term 'best' because it implies that there can only be one. But I do have friends I love extremely deeply and who mean as much to me as my romantic partners, and sometimes the word for that is 'best friend' because 'friend' has too broad a scope. I prefer Anne Shirley's term 'kindred spirits'. I am massively fortunate to have several of those.

When I came out There wasn't one occasion. Mid teens I came out to my music teacher by admitting that I could, in fact, relate to songs written for men about being massively in love with some beautiful woman. By the last year of school I would say I was bi to anyone who asked, but I never officially came out in school, and most people didn't ask because it was really taboo. At university I wasn't pretending to be straight but also wasn't really correcting anyone who assumed it, until I started dating a woman. I officially Came Out to my parents by telling them about my girlfriend, not by telling them that I am bi by identity.

First datemate I had a boyfriend for about a year from 1998 to 1999, covering most of our second year in college. We were 19 when we got together and 20 when we broke up. We got together because we basically couldn't stop talking for long enough to date anybody else. And it wasn't bad as first relationships go, I'm pretty glad I didn't try dating as a younger teen. We're still friends after a quarter of a century, and despite the chemistry we make far more sense as friends than as a couple.

First heartbreak I did not enjoy breaking up with my first boyfriend, nor being very suddenly and thoroughly dumped by my second boyfriend after a few months. But I think I didn't really experience heartbreak until I broke up with my girlfriend after three years. I knew all along we couldn't be life partners, because we had completely incompatible life plans, but that didn't stop me from being really really deeply in love and finding it left a huge void when she decided that we should cease being a couple.

Crush on a straight person Sure. I'm often attracted to straight people – there are a lot of them about. I don't assume any given straight person is too homophobic to consider, and some straight people (the male ones) are at least potentially attracted to me. As I mentioned earlier I don't experience a lot of crushes, but the ones I have had include: a straight man who was not even slightly attracted to me but was very polite in his rejection, a straight man who returned my feelings somewhat but was put off by my directness in propositioning him, and a straight woman who was curious enough to flirt with me a little bit but it clearly wasn't going anywhere.

Fallen for a friend That is pretty much my relationship history, yes. Most of my relationships have arisen from either me falling for a friend, or a friend confessing interest in me and me liking them enough to think it's worth a try. There are a couple of exceptions where I've fallen for someone very strongly when I didn't otherwise know them, love at first sight in one case, and the first extended conversation we had leading directly to sex in another. But both of those have developed into friendships as well as romantic connections.

Cool straight friend / cool Queer friend I have even more objections to this singular than the idea of a single best friend! I know lots of cool people of all kinds of orientations and identities.

Person that made me doubt my sexuality Hm. I don't know how someone would make me do this. If someone told me to my face that bisexuality isn't real, I'd just dismiss them as a biphobic fool, I wouldn't actually doubt anything. There are a few people I know whom I started to find more attractive as they transitioned to more masculine presentation, but that doesn't make me doubt whether I'm attracted to women, I'm just not attracted to those specific individuals when they were presenting / passing as women.

Am I proud of my sexuality I wouldn't go so far as proud. Unashamed, yes. Another one where I agree with sovay's answer.

Am I comfortable with my sexuality Yes, pretty much. I am lucky that I have a strong sex drive and enjoy sex a lot, but I also don't need sex, during dry spells I don't miss it particularly.

Describe myself I don't have better terms than 'cis, queer woman'. Given the choice I would rather describe myself with words other than sexuality and gender ones: I'm Jewish, a teacher, a scientist, an extrovert, a bookworm.

My queer hero kaberett

Favourite part of being queer Being able to question essentialist approaches to sex and relationships.