Pointer 3: Sex between straight white men
May. 11th, 2015 10:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
livVia marina on Twitter, rivkat's absolutely fascinating summary of a book titled Not gay: sex between straight white men. Really amazing stuff about
It's also making me revisit the concept that at least some of homophobia isn't really about who one is attracted to or about what sex acts one enjoys; it's primarily about gender policing. This sense that men may want to take part in sexual acts with other men, but as long as they don't form loving relationships or have mutually consensual, respectful sex, then they're not gay. Which has the terrifying corollary that this construction of straight masculinity implies that men who behave lovingly and respectfully towards female partners are also targets for gay-bashing. Example: the Sad Puppies accusing Scalzi, who is well known to be a man married to a woman, of being gay, because he's also well known to care about not being a sexist jerk. Example: pre-adolescent and young teen boys somewhat illogically calling it "gay" when a boy expresses romantic interest a girl instead of talking trash about her.
rivkat's piece almost flips the common wisdom about orientation. It almost seems like straightness is an identity, nearly independent of attraction and sexual behaviour, whereas gayness / queerness is mostly something that emerges from choices about sex and gender expression or performance, or even a political stance. Anyway, read rivkat's post, she's saying all this stuff much more articulately than I can.
marina on Twitter, rivkat's absolutely fascinating summary of a book titled Not gay: sex between straight white men. Really amazing stuff about the amount of homosexual contact involved in heterosexuality! It relates to some ideas I've come across before, heterosexuality as a constructed identity; contexts in which straight masculinity may include seeking sexual contact with other men; challenging the idea of sexual orientation.
It's also making me revisit the concept that at least some of homophobia isn't really about who one is attracted to or about what sex acts one enjoys; it's primarily about gender policing. This sense that men may want to take part in sexual acts with other men, but as long as they don't form loving relationships or have mutually consensual, respectful sex, then they're not gay. Which has the terrifying corollary that this construction of straight masculinity implies that men who behave lovingly and respectfully towards female partners are also targets for gay-bashing. Example: the Sad Puppies accusing Scalzi, who is well known to be a man married to a woman, of being gay, because he's also well known to care about not being a sexist jerk. Example: pre-adolescent and young teen boys somewhat illogically calling it "gay" when a boy expresses romantic interest a girl instead of talking trash about her.
rivkat's piece almost flips the common wisdom about orientation. It almost seems like straightness is an identity, nearly independent of attraction and sexual behaviour, whereas gayness / queerness is mostly something that emerges from choices about sex and gender expression or performance, or even a political stance. Anyway, read rivkat's post, she's saying all this stuff much more articulately than I can.
(no subject)
Date: 2015-05-12 11:46 pm (UTC)I was very struck in reading the review how these straight men who have sex with men (MSM is the term we use on this side of the pond) are using the languages of identity and behavior to express a desire for a certain kind of relationship. Except I mean almost the opposite of what "relationship" usually means.
The review describes men wanting to have casual sex with buddies and strangers, with no romance, no domesticity, no emotional commitments, no entanglements. They are using this "I am not gay, I just want to boff men" language to pursue that.
In a way, I see the problem (ok, a problem) being the lack of any more direct language to ask for what they want.
We've done such a great job at nailing down the idea that – and I totally appreciate the irony of saying this to someone with the username "lovingboth" :) – sexual orientation isn't whom you fuck, it's whom you love, that it leaves people who are yes-I'd-tap-that-gender-expression, but no-I-don't-want-romance-with-them with no label for their experience, making due as best they can with the language left them.
(no subject)
Date: 2015-05-14 09:22 am (UTC)There's also the homophobic stereotype that gay men pursue sex with pretty much anyone that has a penis, and don't form normal stable dyadic relationships, like that politician recently claiming that the "average" gay man has over 20000 partners or something ridiculous. That's starting to look like projection, isn't it? Wanting to have sex with absolutely no relationship, not even the very minimal relationship of offering and accepting whatever activity you want to do... maybe we do need a word for that.
(no subject)
Date: 2015-05-14 02:02 pm (UTC)